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EM’s SIN Blog Archive #3 – The Abyss is Staring Back

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This post is from July 26, 2011. It has 1 comment and 3 ratings combined for 5 stars.

 

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
I take this to mean that when one is actively opposing something, they might become that which they are fighting.  When one walks into the darkness, it becomes a part of them.  I am going to attempt to tie this in to the following story.
Yesterday, like most days, I spent most of the time working on my computer.  My computer was giving me some issues, so while it was processing files slowly, I decided to turn on my other computer to check out whatever websites I normally look at on any given day.
On most of these websites, I couldn’t help being disgusted by the amount of pettiness and trite I was seeing.  So many people deeply concerned with their favorite T.V. shows, celebrities, mass consumed novels, shallow relationships, what they look like to other people, party life, etc.
This train of thought led me to think about how useless my job really is.  Sure, it pays the bills.  Sure, it takes effort.  However, I can’t help thinking about what is actually produced from what I do.  Then I started thinking about how many jobs within western society really produce nothing.  A bunch of rich people simply hoard wealth and shuffle money around.  How much is actually produced which is actually beneficial to human beings?  For a while, I had held on to the ideal of laissez-faire capitalism.  I am now of the opinion that this ideal is just as impossible as true communism.   This is due to human nature.
Anyway, this post isn’t about economics, politics, or anything like that. I’m just showing my train of thought.  This train of thought led me to think more about human nature.  I drifted towards thinking more about the things I’ve read about and heard in the LHP.
From the people I’ve met online here at SIN, I’ve seen various forms.  I’ve been exposed to LaVey, Crowley, ONA, The Fourth Way, ADM, Postmodern Satanism, and many others.  I can’t say I’ve read much of any.  Certainly, I’m not well versed in any of them.  However, what I have seen seems to point to the same essence in different way.  At first, I thought maybe I didn’t really understand what I have been reading.  I decided to start back near the beginning.  Postmodern Satanism was one of the first I read, so I figured it would be a good place to start rereading.
I am not sure how to properly articulate what happened next.  I saw something behind the words.  It was this same essence I had been seeing in other places.  What was seen cannot be unseen, and the problem is I am unable to describe it, yet.  I got this eerie feeling that I was “being followed”.  It felt like whatever I discovered was looking back at me.
The feeling was overwhelming.  In fact, it scared me a little bit.  I realized that everyone is in fact pointing to the same thing.  It’s kind of like the whole thing about the blind men trying to describe an elephant from touching different parts of it.  Nobody seems to be able to fully describe it.
My understanding of gnosis is that it is truly gained through experience.  The best word I have found for the experience I had is numinous.  I am not saying I came into contact with some kind of metaphysical force or deity of some sort.  I think something clicked internally.  Whatever I saw must be within myself, as it is likely to be found in others who seem to be pointing to the same thing.
Now, I could sit here and declare myself a guru.  I could pretend to have discovered some deep shit, and call it a day.  The truth is, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve been following the bread crumb trails of those who are forging their own paths.  I have hardly come up with anything new or original.
My experience gave me a glimpse, but it was only the tip of the iceberg.  I realize that I can’t just take this experience as the end.  To me, this is a signal that I have to follow my own path.  I know I’ve read that many times before, but I don’t think I ever really understood what that means until now.
Getting off my ass, and truly walking into the dark feels more pressing.  I won’t lie about how frightening it is.  However, I feel there is no other way except to go down my own path.
What burdens must I discard before taking the plunge?  What layers need to be peeled away?   What’s stopping me?
I don’t expect anyone to answer those questions.  They, like my path, are mine alone.


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